I’m writing this blog today because I spoke to my teacher last night. It was the most uncomfortable call I’ve had in a long while. You see I have observed progress on this path and what my monster wants to do is cling on to that and tell me it’s going really well, and yeah lets hang on to that because then we can feel good about ourselves for a little while. This is called the monster being in control and it is NOT WHAT WE WANT. That same wretched monster will turn around in the next instant and tell me that I’m a ridiculous hopeless failure piece of shit, because now I realise that all the while the monster has been in control and I didn’t see it.
So my teacher absolutely smashed my monster to smithereens. The call would have been fine if I hadn’t been identifying with the monster because what it felt like to me was that it was a personal attack. This is also a sign that the monster is in control because as I mentioned in “The Monster – Spotting and stopping”, this is how it operates, it takes things personally.
I wanted so much to tell my teacher to go fuck himself but the guy is always spot on and he’s never been wrong about anything yet, It’s just that it’s a bitter pill to swallow to realise that I haven’t been witnessing the monster effectively and I need to go back to the proverbial drawing board.
Side note: I notice that my current relationship suffers the most when I am in monster control. And it has been a little of late. I intend to write a lot more about relationships on my blog and how observing and stopping the monster can lead to much happier, balanced and rewarding relationships.
The reason I’m writing this post now is because I’m still a bit raw from that call. My teacher must know that it takes a firm hand to beat the monster out of someone. And boy, did he go all in on that call. I felt shocked at first that he said the monster was in control, and then all of a sudden shame, anger and then I basically just cried for the rest of the phone call while he finished demolishing the monster. There’s no fucking around with that guy. I would liken him to the Gordon Ramsey of spiritual teachers!!
Anyhow, the salient points of that call (what I could make out anyway in between sobbing like a little girl), was as follows:
The monster was in control and I didn’t see it. OK, it happens on this path. Spotting the monster is called witnessing of the thoughts. When the monster tries to stick its nasty little oar in we simply say stop and let it pass. The key is coming back to the witnessing and sometimes you’ll need a teacher to spot it. I say this because the monster is a tricky bugger. It’s not always easy to notice when it’s in control. This is probably because you have accepted its processes as normal all your life as I did. I still do it.
I’m not letting go. The universe often works in a manner whereby it keeps heaping challenges on. The last couple of years really have been that for me. Work, relationships, money; it’s been challenge after challenge.
The temptation for me is just to dip my toes in to the emotion, if you will. What I really need to do is feel the emotion in its entirety. To be smashed apart by all the stress and anger and fear. They are not pleasant emotions, and when the monster is in control it will do anything it can to avoid them. I realise now that is what I have been doing.
What I’ve also noticed is that when I’m in monster control and I’m listening to it, I tend to become more controlling outwardly, this seldom works out well for me or those around me!!
The Pity Party. This was the hardest thing to hear, and what the main thrust of this article is. Imagine someone you don’t really know just nailing you on your least desirable character trait. Not much fun. But it is something that I do. Like I said, if I’m having an enjoyable day and I’ve done some energy work and feeling good about it the monster is telling me “yeah, you’ve done it, you’re awesome” and I enjoy this and I’m trying to prove to it that I’m not a failure and a worthless person. Then a challenge comes and I may not deal with it so well, I feel sad and low because I’m not doing the required work, the monster will tell me I’m useless etc. I’ll listen to it, and then the pity party starts… You know… Oh why does all this shit happen to me? I must be cursed. I’m useless at this energy work, I’ll never get the hang of it (prediction). Its all monster and it does feel quite real when it’s going on and on. My job is just to ignore it, make the emotions worse even. This is the crux of the matter, as going deep into the shitty emotions of fear, anger, loneliness is the key. By sitting there and going “Oh woe is me” is the pathetic winy monster and it’s actually a method that it uses to avoid the emotion.
The pity party also is the root of addictive behaviours. On observation, I am way more likely to have a drink, binge watch TV, or eat unhealthy food when I am in monster control. There is lots of ways we can express addictive behaviour. Shopping, hook-ups, drugs and alcohol, we can even be addicted to power. All ways to either avoid emotions or make us feel better for a little while or prove to our monsters that we ain’t that bad. Cos hey, I got to boss that bloke around at the office today, or perhaps I drive the latest BMW or had a drink and did a few lines of coke. All fairly destructive ways of avoiding emotions and making ourselves feel a little better temporarily. And I say temporarily because when the buzz fades, from the shopping, bullying or substance abuse… Like the addicts that we are we look for our next fix, and the cycle continues!
What are you addicted to?
For me, well I’m still super angry at my teacher, my monster just wanted a cookie and a hug but it got an arse kicking. Hate it, hate it so much it hurts. I’ve now got to get back to the witnessing and really letting go of the control. It feels massive, but as my teacher said “You’re only job is to put one foot in front of the other”.
So from here, I’m now welcoming the difficult emotions and letting the universe do her job, which is destruction. Destruction of my monster, and along with it, issues of control, self pity, substance abuse etc.
It may seem cruel, and it’s a tough path. But to come back to what’s real and true. The real self without the bullshit. I’m told that that is divine, and reason enough.
Comments